What did the baker say when she won an award?
“It was a piece of cake.”
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
The tire swing.
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.
Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed.
Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”
During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.
I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.
He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year