Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

How bugs feel

When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

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How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

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Want to hear a joke about a roof?

Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?

Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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Why did the cashier rip money in half?

Why did the cashier rip money in half?

They were asked to break a bill.

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Jack Sparrow being, well, Jack Sparrow

Friend of mine was at a party the cops busted. It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow.
Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg. Funny as shit.

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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

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I started a new job as a tailor last week

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

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What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.

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And the Lord said unto John

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

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