Funny Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years – Funny Notes

A Bic pen up the ass

Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.

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A party in a church never turns out well

Rave party in a church. Some half-brown dreadlocked dude in a Jesus costume fucked a girl in the priest booth above the DJ stage.

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What did the tie say to the hat?

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

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Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.

Thank you for your patience.

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The toilet phase

When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

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A guy casually tackling a cop

I saw a guy run out of a party and tackle a cop off a horse.

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Want to hear a joke about a roof?

Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

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How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

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Why my parents can’t take me seriously

So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

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“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.

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