Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
The tire swing.
Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.
Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.
He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.
We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.
He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”
I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.
We never had a second date.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.
I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?
“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”
The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”
and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said
“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.
So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.