FOR YOU: Hilarious Stories and Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

What do you get from a pampered cow?

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

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What washes up on very small beaches?

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

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What did the baker say when she won an award?

What did the baker say when she won an award?

“It was a piece of cake.”

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Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!

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How to win at video games

When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.

So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).

I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

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A whole slew of upsetting revelations

Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.

Was an interesting night.

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Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

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You Can Tell By His ‘I Really Heart New York’ Hat

Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York. 

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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

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Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

She always spilled the tea.

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Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

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Trimming the “hedges”

Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

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