I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.
A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
Rave party in a church. Some half-brown dreadlocked dude in a Jesus costume fucked a girl in the priest booth above the DJ stage.
Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
In 2008 I had a buddy that was at a party in Tuscaloosa, AL and woke up in Meridian Mississippi 90 miles away in some old lady’s front yard in only his underwear and cellphone stuffed in his crotch. I had to drive down from Huntsville, AL (about 200 miles) to get him.
When I got to the sweet old lady’s house he was on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea wearing her late husbands bath robe. To this day he still has no idea what happened and he still has the bathrobe.
You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My mom showed up.
I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.
OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.