Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.
So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.
Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.
There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.
He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.
I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.
I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”
I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.