FOR YOU: Funny Stories and Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

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Just witnessed someone eat an ear, no biggie
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I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.

Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
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Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
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Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

A. A jam session.

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Woke up to his toilet broken in half
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My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

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Want to hear a joke about a roof?
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Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

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Weed birthday
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Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

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What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
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Q: What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?
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Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
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What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

Mystery meat.

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What do you call a blind deer?
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What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

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Two guys walked into a bar
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Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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How do you get a country girl’s attention?
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How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

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What’s brown and sticky?
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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.

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What washes up on very small beaches?
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What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

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