Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.
Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?
A. Because he found a butter lover.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? / A: An im-pasta.
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!
Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
Teenage boy #1: All I’m saying is it’s false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you’re a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You’re telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I’m a fag?
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.
When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand).
Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.
Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.