What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?
“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”
Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don’t pass, you die.
Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won’t make it in the real world.
Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.
My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.
After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.
The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.