When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand).
Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized
My mom showed up.
I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.
I saw a man nobody knew jumping out a window of my room.
Everyone was drinking, smoking and all the usual things, and finally I got upstairs with a girl, to my bedroom. We were beginning our stuff and this fucking crazy man stormed in and directly jumped outside. I didn’t know what to do. As it was a 2 stories building, at the moment it was not sure he was dead or not, but we learned it soon after.
That stranger cockblocked me more than anything.
What do frogs use to track their exercise?
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They don’t have the right koala-fications.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?
A breakfast bar.
Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?
Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.