Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
Tourist #1: I wonder how they build streets on top of the subways.
Tourist #2: Hmm. You think they’re strong enough that they can support the street all by themselves?
Tourist #1, after some thought: Nah, there’s gotta be a layer of dirt between them or something.
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.
One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up.
My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.
When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis
After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.
My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).
Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.
I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.
EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.
Where do wasps like to get lunch?
Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What’s that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that’s the entrance to the subway.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.
Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.