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If the early bird gets the worm

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

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What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?

What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?

“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”

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What has two legs but can’t walk?

Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

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A truly insane fellow

HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.

We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.

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As it turns out, I am gay:

When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay.

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What concert only costs 45 cents?

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

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What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

A breakfast bar.

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What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

The owl.

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Arrow in the eyeball

Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye

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Genital piercings locked together

My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

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How to win at video games

When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.

So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).

I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

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The beauty of Halloween

Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.

He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.

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Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

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