FEATURED: Jokes Anyone Can Remember

His face looks like the best chair

So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

5 1 vote
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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

0 0 votes
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Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

5 1 vote
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What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

cat-astrophe.

5 1 vote
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An overall bad decision in retrospect

Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.

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A failed ruse

My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.

It didn’t open, so they did it again.

It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.

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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

0 0 votes
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What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

5 1 vote
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Two guys walked into a bar

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

4 1 vote
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

5 1 vote
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And the Lord said unto John

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

0 0 votes
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What do we want?

What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!

0 0 votes
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The old timer Joke: The old and a Kid

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”

The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”

The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”

The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”

The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”

The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”

3 1 vote
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0 0 votes
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