FEATURED: Hilarious Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

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Gay teacher
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So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

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I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh
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I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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I literally “fell” for him
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Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed.

Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

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What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?
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What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

A breakfast bar.

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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites
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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

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Wears a Hockey Mask Everywhere
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Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?
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Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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Genital piercings locked together
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My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?
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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

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How do you make an artichoke?
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Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.

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The toilet phase
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When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

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Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling
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I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

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Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It
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Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

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Slappy trails
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One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

SMACK.

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

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