I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Teenage boy #1: All I’m saying is it’s false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you’re a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You’re telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I’m a fag?
I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.
EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? / A: Nacho cheese.