My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?
Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.
So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?
THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?
I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it’s not!
Clerk: … Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It’s not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can’t use the computers. Get out.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one’s on the house.
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
Guy #1: Dude, they should have a phone where you just say 92454.
Guy #2: Man, they already have that.
Guy #1: Yeah, but without numbers.
Guy #2: Stupid.
Guy #1: They should also have a video phone, so you can see who you’re talking to.
Guy #2: They already have that.
Guy #1: Man, technology is good. But it’s also stupid…Technology is going to destroy us.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt?
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
College-Bound kid: So I can come home every weekend in October, to work on the haunted house.
Mom: No. You can’t. You have to stay at school for the bonding. You don’t want to miss that first-few-weeks bonding that goes on.
College-Bound kid: I told Ray I’d help with the haunted house. I want to do make-up.
Mom: You can’t! College costs money! Your food costs money! It costs money to come home on the train!
College-Bound kid: Wait–the train costs money?
Mom: Both ways.
When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!
Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.