FEATURED: Hilarious Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

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The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best ofย us.

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Popcorn

My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Samโ€™s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be โ€œone slice of cheese pizza pleaseโ€, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said โ€œone popcorn pleaseโ€, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out โ€œnooooโ€, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

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A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

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Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

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What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?

What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?

โ€œIโ€™m a big fan.โ€

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Why donโ€™t seagulls fly over the bay?

Why donโ€™t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then theyโ€™d be bagels.

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Never wear a dress in Chicago

So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousinโ€™s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because theyโ€™re always stuffed.

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A girl who lost all inhibitions

One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. Sheโ€™s a Mormon now, apparently.

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Why should you never tell a taco a secret?

Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?

A. Because they tend to spill the beans.

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What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

This is taxing.

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Why did the man take his clock to the vet?

Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks

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Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

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A banana that has seen it all

Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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