What does a house wear?
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs.
Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.”
Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye
So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.
Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.
My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.
I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.
1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.
The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush
Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A. Because he always has a great fall.
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!
Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.