Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
What’s brown and sticky?
What do frogs use to track their exercise?
What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.
One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.
A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”