Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?
“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”
What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
A. Because they tend to spill the beans.
Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.