Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.
Why did two tall people get along so well?
The could really see eye to eye.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.
Q: What do you call a nosy pepper? / A: Jalapeno business!
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
What do you call a fake noodle?
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
What do frogs use to track their exercise?
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.
Yeah she’s crazy.
Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.
She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books.
In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s”
Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”
Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.
Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.
Spanish thug #1: I’m all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It’s like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that’s good.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)