FEATURED: Best Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

What gets wetter the more it dries?

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

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Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

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What did one elevator say to the other?

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I’m coming down with something.

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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He thought he saw Aurora Borealis

I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!

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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?

5 1 vote
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How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

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That one time I got lost

So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

5 1 vote
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Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

4 1 vote
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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

5 1 vote
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