What gets wetter the more it dries?
Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.
What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear!
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…
Wait, where are we again?
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?
He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs
Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.