What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
The tire swing.
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.
If the early bird gets the worm,
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.
The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
What’s a writer’s favorite train station?
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
Q: Why did the chicken go to jail?
A: Because he was using fowl language
Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.
I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.
But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.
She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.