Best Jokes for You – Something Funny

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Lotion boy
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One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

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What do you call a pudgy psychic?
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What do you call a pudgy psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?
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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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As it turns out, I am gay:
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When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay.

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All glowed up
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After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.

My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).

Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.

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To be fair, it was a pretty naughty fridge
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Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.

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What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
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What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

This is taxing.

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Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
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Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?
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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

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A banana that has seen it all
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Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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Two goldfish are in a tank
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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Senior citizen with chlamydia
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Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.

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Sawing off a metal cock ring
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I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead

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How do you make a tissue dance?
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

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Why would doors do well on social media?
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Why would doors do well on social media?

Everyone looks for their handles.

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