Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.
The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They don’t have the right koala-fications.
Q: Why did the chicken go to jail?
A: Because he was using fowl language
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Tourist #1: I wonder how they build streets on top of the subways.
Tourist #2: Hmm. You think they’re strong enough that they can support the street all by themselves?
Tourist #1, after some thought: Nah, there’s gotta be a layer of dirt between them or something.
HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.
What kind of shape may have been knighted?
When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis
Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.
I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it’s not!
Clerk: … Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It’s not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can’t use the computers. Get out.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?