ALL IN ALL: Funny Stories and Jokes for You

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though

Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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What does a house wear?

What does a house wear?

Address!

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That time in freshman year

So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

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This is what dad said to her dumped daughter

Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…

A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

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Her mom showed up

My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

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I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

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How do you make an artichoke?

Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.

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What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini.

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

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You Can Tell By His ‘I Really Heart New York’ Hat

Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York. 

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What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?

What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?

“Put it on my bill.”

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When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!

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