ALL IN ALL: Funny Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember

A blackout driving incident

The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.

5 1 vote
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Why is sand so optimistic?

Why is sand so optimistic?

It has a can-dune attitude.

0 0 votes
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A full sun

After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

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Skynet Does Make a Convincing Case

Guy #1: Dude, they should have a phone where you just say 92454.
Guy #2: Man, they already have that.
Guy #1: Yeah, but without numbers.
Guy #2: Stupid.
Guy #1: They should also have a video phone, so you can see who you’re talking to.
Guy #2: They already have that.
Guy #1: Man, technology is good. But it’s also stupid…Technology is going to destroy us.

4 1 vote
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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

5 1 vote
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Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

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What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

4 1 vote
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How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles

4 1 vote
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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

5 1 vote
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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

0 0 votes
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What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini.

0 0 votes
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.

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What has two legs but can’t walk?

Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

0 0 votes
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