ALL IN ALL: Best Jokes to Get a Laugh

A sandwich walks into a bar.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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Someone told me that I should write a book

Someone told me that I should write a book.

I said, “That’s a novel concept.”

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Senior citizen with chlamydia

Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.

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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

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Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

4 1 vote
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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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Her mom showed up

My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

5 1 vote
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A Bic pen up the ass

Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.

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The beauty of Halloween

Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.

He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.

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The elusive cockblocking, jumping man

I saw a man nobody knew jumping out a window of my room.

Everyone was drinking, smoking and all the usual things, and finally I got upstairs with a girl, to my bedroom. We were beginning our stuff and this fucking crazy man stormed in and directly jumped outside. I didn’t know what to do. As it was a 2 stories building, at the moment it was not sure he was dead or not, but we learned it soon after.

That stranger cockblocked me more than anything.

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Not the smartest drunk, but definitely the most clever

One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up. 

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though

Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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