Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A. Because he always has a great fall.
What do you call malware on a Kindle?
Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.
So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.
Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).
Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.
My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.
The neighbors haven’t come over since.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?
“Let’s table this.”
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.
I did this every quarter that year.
I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.
She was PISSED—at the school for their error.
The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.
Guy #1: Dude, they should have a phone where you just say 92454.
Guy #2: Man, they already have that.
Guy #1: Yeah, but without numbers.
Guy #2: Stupid.
Guy #1: They should also have a video phone, so you can see who you’re talking to.
Guy #2: They already have that.
Guy #1: Man, technology is good. But it’s also stupid…Technology is going to destroy us.
Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.