Short Stories and Funny Jokes

Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!

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But I’m Pretty Sure Xavier’s Mansion Is in Weschester, NY

Student #1: Yo, what’s in Iceland?
Student #2: Nigga, what do you think? Ice, obviously!
Student #1: Don’t that mean Iceman lives there, then?
Student #2: Good question…

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Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

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Where do snowmen keep their savings?

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

In the snowbank.

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What kind of shape may have been knighted?

What kind of shape may have been knighted? 

Cir-cles.

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Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling

I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

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Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)

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Little thief

When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

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That one time I got lost

So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.

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Something you don’t see every day…

One of my best friends was thrown out of a window naked while having sex with a girl.

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How do you make an artichoke?

Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.

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Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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You Can Tell By His ‘I Really Heart New York’ Hat

Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York. 

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