Jokes and Funny Stories

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

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I tried to win a suntanning competition

I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

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A Bic pen up the ass

Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.

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Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

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Why are toilets always so good at poker?

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

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Never disturb a blacked-out man

Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.

Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.

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Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.

Thank you for your patience.

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