I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.
Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.
What washes up on very small beaches?
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?
They were engaged.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York.
Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks
When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.
We had a pet raccoon for two days (long party) who would hang out with us. We thought he was a nice furry guy, but then he betrayed us. We were pretty drunk, he left, came back with friends, looted our house.
I don’t want to be anti raccoon, but it is hard for me to trust them now. If you read this Fritz: Reconsider. Come back and we’ll start over.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
Wife working trauma, level 1 hospital. Guy comes in, abdominal pain. Says he was at a party, hasn’t been able to shit for 2 days. Scan shows full size Glade Air Freshener can inserted in his rectum. ‘No idea how it got there.’ Kicker is, it was inserted bottom first, so concave side in, full suction. Wife gives paralytic to relax all his muscles, inserts a hose to equalize pressure double fisted up some dude’s ass to retrieve said Glade can. Operation a success. This is, I believe, the third or fourth large object she has removed from some dude’s ass. I don’t get specifics, just the gist of these stories.
Why would doors do well on social media?
Everyone looks for their handles.