UPDATED: Funny Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.

He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.

We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”

I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.

We never had a second date.

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I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed.

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I started a new job as a tailor last week

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

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To be fair, it was a pretty naughty fridge

Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.

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Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

The leeks.

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I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard

My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.

I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

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Slappy trails

One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

SMACK.

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

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A full sun

After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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