Jokes for Adults

How do you measure a snake?

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

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I tried to win a suntanning competition

I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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What has two legs but can’t walk?

Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

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Stop looking for the perfect match

Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

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Why should you never trust stairs?

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

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Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

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You heard the rumor going around about butter?

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

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The day my teacher stole my headphones

During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.

I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.

He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

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