Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? / A: Nacho cheese.
Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa.
One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.
Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.
Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.
So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door.
Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.
Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?
My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Got busted by a police helicopter while drinking at the lake. Spotlighted us & and yelled at us over a bullhorn to stay still while 6 officers complete with 2 k9 units came down to where we were.
Gathered everybody up, walked us to where we parked our cars, searched us, cited one kid for having weed & then let us all go. It was pretty surreal.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.