What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.
1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.
2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.
Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…
I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.
I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.
So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).
I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.
Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?
A. Because he found a butter lover.
20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.
Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
Girl: God, it’s getting so cold! I should’ve brought my winter coat!
Guy: You don’t need a coat, you need a hot man to warm you up.
Girl: I need that, too…but I’d start with a coat.
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.
Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!