Jokes to Get a Laugh

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.

He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.

We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”

I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.

We never had a second date.

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Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

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Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though

Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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We Have Our First Victim

Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don’t pass, you die.

Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won’t make it in the real world.

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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

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Trimming the “hedges”

Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital.

A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.

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Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best

One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing

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What do you call a musician with problems?

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

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