Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
A. Because they tend to spill the beans.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
Okay, so this was in fourth grade, and I was in this class with all these dumbass kids.
Here’s the back story: My parents usually pack me fruit for a snack, but on this day they packed me like half of the leftover Pringles from the day before, you know, in that cylinder container. I was really excited since I LOVE PRINGLES. But when recess came around so I could take MY Pringles and go eat it outside, they weren’t in my bag. I started scoping the area, trying to find my Pringles. I call the teacher, she tries to find them but she can’t either. Than this thought comes to my mind—What if MOIRA STOLE IT?
Moira was this chubby girl in my class that literally ALWAYS wore this purple princess dress that should be classified as a bad Halloween costume (seriously) and was known for being a bitch.
Being the judgmental 9-10 year old I was, I straight out concluded that she must’ve stolen my damn Pringles. I just tell my teacher, “Well too bad, I’ll just go out for recess now. It was just PRINGLES.” Being a little angel. So I stomp out of the class and start searching for Moira. I’m talking checking areas, finding witnesses, wasting my time. So after a solid 10 minutes, I find a group of these kids crowded at the side of one of the portable classrooms. I rush over to see what it is. The kids were eating Pringles. Barbecue flavored Pringles. MY PRINGLES. I start raging as I smack the Pringles out of the kids’ hands and start ripping people away from the main source. And in the middle of all the kids, sat a smug looking MOIRA with my PRINGLES. I look all mad and rip the BLOODY EMPTY CONTAINER OF PRINGLES OUT OF THE DAMN BITCH’S FILTHY HANDS. By now even dumbass Moira knows what’s up, she’s a goner. I would’ve murdered her at the very least, but a supervisor saw us and ran over.
Moira was forced to apologize and I was forced to accept her damn apology.
I never got to eat my Pringles.
To this day I’m sure she fears my cold dead hands, ready to rip her lying face off.
If the early bird gets the worm,
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”
The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”
The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”
The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”
The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”
The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”
My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.
We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.
Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.
Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.