Jokes Anyone Can Remember

How does NASA organize a party?

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

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My mom’s thong

One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

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Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications.

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What does a nosey pepper do?

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

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Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?

Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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Little thief

When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

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