What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
A roamin’ Catholic.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!
Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.
Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .
My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs.
Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.”
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”