Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

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5th grade teacher

In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

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Woke up to his toilet broken in half

My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

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Gay teacher

So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

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Did you hear about the famous pickle?

Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

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Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling

I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

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I googled “Rorshach test.”

I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

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I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

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