Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
A. He just flipped.
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery?
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”
Where do wasps like to get lunch?
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.
After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.
Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don’t pass, you die.
Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won’t make it in the real world.
When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.
Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.
I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”
Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”
When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.