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My favorite teacher

One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?

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Working in a mirror factory

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

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SonofabitchAdam

I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.

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What’s Cooler Than Star Trek? (Besides Everything)

HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.

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Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

They have the best batter.

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What do you give a sick lemon?

Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.

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