Jokes to share with coworkers

I tried to catch fog yesterday

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

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50 shades of butt

So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

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Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications.

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“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

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Glade Air Freshener can where it’s most needed

Wife working trauma, level 1 hospital. Guy comes in, abdominal pain. Says he was at a party, hasn’t been able to shit for 2 days. Scan shows full size Glade Air Freshener can inserted in his rectum. ‘No idea how it got there.’ Kicker is, it was inserted bottom first, so concave side in, full suction. Wife gives paralytic to relax all his muscles, inserts a hose to equalize pressure double fisted up some dude’s ass to retrieve said Glade can. Operation a success. This is, I believe, the third or fourth large object she has removed from some dude’s ass. I don’t get specifics, just the gist of these stories.

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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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If the early bird gets the worm

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

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Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?

Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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Jellyfish fiasco

So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

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