What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.
Tourist #1: I wonder how they build streets on top of the subways.
Tourist #2: Hmm. You think they’re strong enough that they can support the street all by themselves?
Tourist #1, after some thought: Nah, there’s gotta be a layer of dirt between them or something.
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.
What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.