You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.
We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.
Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.
When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.
Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. Why do comedians love eggs?
A. They’re easy to crack up.
Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.
20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.
Why would doors do well on social media?
Everyone looks for their handles.
What washes up on very small beaches?
Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.
Was an interesting night.
My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.
After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.
Which bear is the most condescending?
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.