Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants

5 1 vote
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Oh—semen

When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were.

When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already.

But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

4 1 vote
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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

4 1 vote
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Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

She always spilled the tea.

4 1 vote
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What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

5 1 vote
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I googled “Rorshach test.”

I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

0 0 votes
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Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

4 1 vote
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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

4 1 vote
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This is what happens when your drunk friend confuses your house with your neighbor’s

Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.

Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .

0 0 votes
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How bugs feel

When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

5 1 vote
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A blackout driving incident

The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.

5 1 vote
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Driver’s license

So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.

0 0 votes
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The man who swallowed a tobacco pipe

My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.

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