Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?

Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: Thatโ€™s nacho cheese.

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What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?

All-purpose.

4 1 vote
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A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

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Where do beef burgers go dancing?

Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?

A. Theย meatball.

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies ofย Atlas Shruggedย in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee onย them?

5 1 vote
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Butternut squash in the vagina

One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.

He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum

5 1 vote
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An excruciatingly drawn-out golden shower

This one drunk girl had a fetish of getting pissed on. There was a circle of guys just pissing on her I kinda noped right out of the party.

Bonus from attending that party after I noped out I met my ex and had the best sex life Iโ€™ve ever had for the next 6 months.

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You heard the rumor going around about butter?

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldnโ€™t spread it.

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Some Judge Judy Will Take Care of That

Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.

Girl: Interestingโ€ฆ

Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.

4 1 vote
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Why wonโ€™t skeletons fight each other?

Why wonโ€™t skeletons fight each other?

They just donโ€™t have the guts.

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Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you donโ€™t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

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Classic foreign exchange student move

The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.

There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.

He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.

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A banana that has seen it all

Two girls screwed each other simultaneously with a banana (one on each end) at a party while a bunch of guys stood around and cheered. The next morning, some hung-over guy actually ate that brown, bruised, sticky banana.

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