Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

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Just witnessed someone eat an ear, no biggie

I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.

Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.

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Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

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What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?

Q: What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

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What do frogs use to track their exercise?

What do frogs use to track their exercise?

Fit (rib)bits.

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

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Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

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What do you call an attractive fruit?

Q: What do you call an attractive fruit? / A: A fine-apple.

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Love Means Never Having to Say “I’m Puking”

Spanish thug #1: I’m all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It’s like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that’s good.

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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

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Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

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Gay teacher

So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

4 1 vote
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Genital piercings locked together

My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

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What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

Mystery meat.

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The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.

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